APFCA work towards Australian Super League

The below is satire, just for a laugh.

The sport industry has been left stunned after leaked documents reveal how the Australian Professional Football Club Association (APFCA) plans to revamp the domestic game.

Recent negotiations by Manchester United to take over the Central Coast Mariners appear to be just the tip of the Iceberg, with the APFCA conducting talks with multiple European Football Clubs to relaunch Australia’s top flight competition.

All twelve A-League clubs will be matched with European partners to inject financial capital and rebrand in the new league following the lead of Melbourne City and soon to be North Sydney United Mairners.

APFCA officials justified the move…

“Look, over 2 million people play the game here and very few of them watch the A-League. We just can’t compete with the European product. You know what they say, if you can’t beat them, become them.’

Meanwhile European clubs involved in the Superleague talks are buoyed by the lack of tradition and culture that will need to be destroyed to realise their financial dreams.

“We can’t believe this! The FA has already prevented promotion and relegation whilst basically suffocating old clubs for the past couple of decades. We’ve stopped negotiating with UEFA and are just going to focus on realising our dream in the A-League and the MLS.”

The new A-SuperLeague will finally take football to the Mainstream.

The APFCA believes this new league continues the legacy football’s mainstream pursuit.

“Nearly two decades ago we replaced community clubs with big market clubs because the average Aussie didn’t want to be part of an ‘Ethnic Australian Football Club‘. They were on the right track but what we realised was the average Aussie doesn’t want to be part of ‘Australian Football Club’ either. This is why we’re taking the Australian element out of it to bring the average Aussie what they want, a big European ‘Football Club‘!”

“Maybe one day we’ll realise football doesn’t matter either and find a way for supporters to just dump the contents of their wallets at the stadium!”

Market optimisation is also a key consideration for the negotiating group.

“A-League fans have already dealt with stadium relocations and branding changes too so we can basically move the clubs as we see fit. The League is so east coast centric at the moment anyway we figure eventually we can just move all teams to Sydney and Melbourne.”

This new mainstream league expects to benefit financially from ‘broadcast optimisation’ as the European clubs explain.

“Turns out we can do basically whatever we want. A-League fans have already endured poor kick-off times to suit broadcasters so we’re gonna play games at 3am so Europeans can watch the Superleague in their primetime.

When questioned about community considerations the parties involved pointed to existing realities.

“We’re already running academy leagues already at junior levels, we really don’t need any grass roots clubs. Communities just make it harder to move teams and require connection beyond paying for season tickets and broadcast packages. It’s like trying to deal with Active fans! It’s just too much trouble.”

Some cultural considerations are however being considered at launch of the the new A-SuperLeague with remaining clubs matched to ‘natural partners’.

Italian clubs will be positioned for Melbourne alliances.

Juventus and Melbourne Victory share a history of success as well as being the most hated clubs in their leagues. Melbourne Victory’s connections to Moreland Juventus have also assisted the negotiations of this move.

Western United will partner with both AC Milan and Inter Milan as the consortium can work together on awkward stadium arrangements and promised of new stadiums.

The distance derby will be rebranded the El Distance Classico!

Perth Glory and Barcelona are in early talks to join forces on and off the field with Western Australian and Catalonia independence campaigns a key part of the new entity’s identity.

Wellington Phoenix’s strong national backing from New Zealand as a whole makes its relationship with Spanish establishment’s darling club Real Madrid a natural move.

English clubs have positioned themselves for Sydney partnerships.

Sydney FC and Chelsea will benefit from joint Russian financial backing and share the ability to just about always be in title contention.

Western Sydney and Liverpool will partner as both teams share the characteristics of large fan bases and a history of being constant disappointments to those fan bases.

Macarthur and Arsenal will partner as the jury is still out as to whether either team is really a competition threat or not.

Adelaide United and Brisbane Roar have been matched with Bayern Munich and PSG respectively, per their shared undisputed dominance as the major clubs of their states.

Finally Newcastle Jets will be paired off with Shakhtar Donetsk because even the European Super League clubs realise they need some kind of regional outpost and Shakhtar’s current club coefficient is too high to ignore, as is Newcastle’s population.

The negotiating groups issued a final set of statements when pressed on the new league formation.

“Bottom line is our football supports our metrics and the metrics in most of Australia just aren’t good. We’re being realistic.”

“We’re beyond the idea that the metrics support football, this isn’t about developing the game, it’s about developing our brands.”

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